i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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