I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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