his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
