Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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