I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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