I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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