Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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