Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
