I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
