I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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