masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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