Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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