Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
