if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
