i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
