also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
