I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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