I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
