it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
