Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
