I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
