Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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