Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
