bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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