remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
