whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
