I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Enjoy the penises
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
