Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
this is an emotional support booty call
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
