So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
