He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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