Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
