When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
