i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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