So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
