Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
