he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
