I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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