Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
