Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
