Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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