Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
