Apparently you make a good broom.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
