It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize