There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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