Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
