I can tuck mytits in my pants
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
