i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
