please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
