I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
