So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
