The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
