you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
