youre lurking in front of me
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
