Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
