It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
