i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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