I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
